I hate babies. It's nothing personal, really. But they contribute nothing. Sure, they have the potential for the future, and in some clichéd idioms, they are the future, but until thy can carry on a decent conversation, they're just messes. They have all the instincts of a rock and all the social skills of a wild animal. And no, they're not cute - every baby looks the same, acts the same. In that way, they're about as cute as a cheap product off an assembly line.

They don't even remember anything when they get older. Those few years of buying endless colorful toys and forcing them to sit through mind-numbing cartoon specials are all for nothing. Go ahead, keep buying them plastic crap to wave in front of their faces. Keep bragging about "baby's first this" and "baby's first that," as if anything really matters to a person before they lose their virginity. Good grief. Would you set up a college fund for a goldfish? That's the equivalent. They don't care. Ungrateful bastards...

Some will point out that I'll feel differently if I have my own baby. This is a theoretical debate. Like asking me if I think I would like living in Canada. I have no idea - I've never tried it and I refuse to comment on it. That's an absurd line of reasoning. You people probably live your entire life on rhetoricals.

Others will point out that I was once a baby. True. But my mom always said I was perfect.

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